Time. Not in the sense that I want more hours in the day. But that I want the hours to do what I want them to do. Not what they have to do. I want the hours to be having coffee with my husband and watching my children devour their breakfast. I want to cook and construct dinner with my husband so we can kiss in between and encourage laughter and lightheartedness.
I don’t want dinner to be made in a rush, and ahead of time so that we can stick to the schedule and get everyone showered and in bed by 8. That. Is. So. Depressing.
I want to take long walks and see things we have never seen. I want to not worry about what is next, or why we don’t have time to read five picture books in a row. I also do not want to be too tired to do either of those things. I want to experience adventures with my family and discover joy in new ways.
I am so constantly torn. Go back to school, be more involved in politics. Be an example for my children and work diligently so that I can not only leave the world and better place, but leave the world with better people who understand and value its importance. I am always on the fence and consistently attempting to balance life in a way that I don’t even know how to do. I am contradictory.
I want so many things that I’m not even sure exist in real life. I catch a glimpse of that life every now and then. And I am convinced that glimpses are all we are meant to receive. It is possible that I have been made to believe that in life, if you are on the end of the spectrum of dreams where life is that easy and flawless then you are ignorant to the failing world around you.
I remind myself that yes, love is absolutely necessary for a world to survive. Without it I would not exist. But that survival is also important. Love and survival are the two most important things we can teach our children. How to make decisions with your head, and your heart, in other words your absolute best instinct. But, definitely NOT with your emotions. Because you can dream, dreaming is also necessary, but it isn’t the only thing. We have to be reasonable. Right?
Thinking about my Dad today, it has been 6 months since he passed but it has been 9 months since we spoke. Missing his full laugh and ear to ear smile, and wishing he could see how absolutely happy my little girl makes me when she sings, and how proud of my boys I am. That’s it.
No you can’t have a large breve mocha latte with 4 Splenda because that’s fricken obnoxious.
I killed my hair man. I DIY ombré’d that mess. And killed it. So, I’m at Jon Michael salon in DTR gettin’ Jessica to fix it. We cut off (she cut off) about 8 inches. More, less? I don’t know. I’ll put a pic up so you cannnn seeeeeeeeeeee.